I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
