the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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