that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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