guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
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