When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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