if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
