i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
