Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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