During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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