Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
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That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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