he thought i was a dude.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
