I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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