the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
