He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
