he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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