Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
