yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
