i think my mom watched the whole time
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
