Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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