Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
