it hurts more in the daytime
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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