Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
well, you know. whores of a feather.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
