This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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