If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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