i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
