Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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