Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
