he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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