My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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