I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
the liver wants what the liver wants
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
