Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
