blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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