The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
