She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
