yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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