life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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