I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
