By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
