Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
