Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize