So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
