my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
