Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
