Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
my sisters under your porch take her home
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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