I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Randomize
