could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
