I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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