So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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