Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
