I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
