its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
