You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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