She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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