if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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