Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
