What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
