Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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