evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
